ഒരു കോവിഡ് കാലകാഴ്ച

അതൊരു  കോവിഡ് കാല പ്രഭാതം.  കംപ്യൂട്ടറിനു മുന്നിലിരുന്നുകൊണ്ടു അടുത്തമാസം നാട്ടിലെത്തുമ്പോൾ കാണിക്കേണ്ട ഈ പാസ് ഓൺലൈൻആയി തയ്യാറാക്കുകയായിരുന്നു ഞാൻ.   എന്റെ ഇടതുവശത്തെ വലിയ ചില്ലു ജാലകത്തിലൂടെ വീടിനു മുൻവശത്തെ കമ്മ്യൂണിറ്റി റോഡും വരിവാരിയായുള്ള  നാലഞ്ചു വീടുകളുടെ മുൻവശവും വൃത്തിയായി കാണാം.  ഇടയ്ക്കു വേഗത്തിൽപ്പോ

കുന്ന ഒന്നോരണ്ടോ കാറുകളും വലിയ മുഴക്കത്തോടെ പോകുന്ന ട്രക്കുകളും ഒഴിച്ചാൽ വേറെ ഗതാഗതമൊന്നുമില്ല.

ഞാൻ നോക്കിയിരിക്കെ, പിൻഭാഗം ചരക്കു കയറ്റാവുന്ന  മൂന്ന് വലിയ ട്രാക്കുകൾ എനിക്ക് തൊട്ടു എതിർവശത്തെ വീടിന് മുൻവശം വന്നു നിന്നു.  ഈ ട്രക്കുകൾ കണ്ടതും എനിക്ക് മനസ്സിലാസായി അവ വീട് 

 പണി നടത്തുന്ന മെക്സിക്കോമ്മാരുടെതാണെന്നു. ഇത്തരം പണിക്കരുടെ  ട്രക്കുകളിൽ ഏണികൾ, പവർ ഹാമറുകൾ, ഷോവലുകൾ, താർപ്പായകള്, വീൽ ബാരോകൾ എന്നീ വലിയ ഉപകാരങ്ങൾ  മുതൽ  ചെറിയ ഉപകരണങ്ങൾ വരെയുണ്ടാവും.

ട്രക്കുകൾ നിന്നയുടൻ അവയിൽനിന്നും ആറോ ഏഴോ ദൃഢഗാത്രരായ മെക്സിക്കോക്കാർ ചാടി ഇറങ്ങി.   പുറത്തിറങ്ങിയപാടെ അവർ ട്രക്കിനുള്ളിൽ നിന്നും അവരുടെ മെക്സിക്കൻ തൊപ്പികൽ ധരിച്ചുകൊണ്ട് ആ വീടിനെനോക്കി നടത്തം തുടങ്ങി. 

അല്പനേരം കഴിഞ്ഞപ്പോൾ ഞാൻ കണ്ടത് ആ വീടിന്റെ മുപ്പതടിയിലധികം ഉയരമുള്ള നിലയിലേക്ക് വലിയ ഏണികൾ ചാരി വച്ചിരിക്കുന്നതാണ്.   ഈ വന്നവരെല്ലാം പുരയുടെ ഏറ്റവും മുകളിൽനിന്നും പുരയിൽ ആണി അടിച്ചുറപ്പിച്ചിരിക്കുന്ന 'ഷിംഗിൾസ്' (നമ്മുടെ പഴയ ചില്ലോടുപോലെ തോന്നിക്കുന്ന ഒരുതരം ഫൈബർ ഷീറ്റുകൾ) ഇളക്കി മാറ്റുകയായിരുന്നു.  ഇരുമ്പു  കൊണ്ടുണ്ടാക്കിയ മരം കൊണ്ടുള്ള നീളൻ പിടിയുള്ള ഒരുപകാരണമാണ് ഈ ഷിംഗിളുകൾ  ഇളക്കിയെടുക്കാൻ അവർ ഉപയോഗിച്ചിരുന്നത്.  

മെക്സിക്കോക്കാർ പാവങ്ങളാണ്.   അവർ അദ്ധ്വാനശീലരും  ഒന്നാംതരം ജോലിക്കാരുമാണ്.   ഒരു പണി അവർ ചെയ്യാം എന്നേറ്റാൽ, ആപണി ഏറ്റവും ഭംഗിയായിത്തന്നെ അവർ ചെയ്തു തീർക്കും.  

വളരെ വർഷങ്ങളായി അമേരിക്കയിൽ താമസിക്കുന്ന മെക്സിക്കോക്കാർക്കുപോലും ഇംഗ്ലീഷ് ശരിക്കും സംസാരിക്കാനാവുകയില്ല .   അവർ കുറെ ഇംഗ്ലീഷും കുറെ  സ്പാനിഷും ഇടകലർത്തിയാണ് സംസാരിക്കുക.   അതിൽനിന്നും അവർ എന്താണ് ഉദ്ദേശിക്കുന്നത്  എന്നത് നമ്മൾ മനസ്സിലാക്കി എടുത്തുകൊള്ളണം!  ഇവിടത്തെ  കൊടും തണുപ്പത്തും പൊരി വെയിലത്തും ഇവർ പണിയുന്നത് കാണുമ്പോൾ എനിക്ക് ചുട്ടുപൊള്ളുന്ന വെയിലത്തു മണലാരണ്യങ്ങളിൽ ജോലിയെടുക്കുന്ന എന്റെ മലയാളി സഹോദരങ്ങളെയാണ് ഓർമ്മ വരിക.

ഞാൻ ഇടയ്ക്കിടയ്ക്ക് ഇവരുടെ പണി ശ്രദ്ധിച്ചിരുന്നു.   അത്തരമൊരു സന്നർഭത്തിലാണ് ഒരു രസകരമായ കാഴ്ച ഞാൻ കാണുന്നത്.   നാല് വശവും മറച്ച ഒരു ട്രക്ക് വന്നു നിന്നു.   രണ്ടു  മെക്സിക്കൻ പെൺകുട്ടികൾ ഇറങ്ങി വരികയായും വളരെ വേഗം തന്നെ ഈ ട്രക്കിനെ മൂന്ന് വശവും തുറന്നു ഒരു ചെറിയ ഹോട്ടലായി മാറ്റുകയും ചെയ്തു!  അപ്പോഴാണ് എനിക്ക് മനസ്സിലായത് ആ ട്രക്ക് മെക്സിക്കൻ ജോലിക്കാർക്ക് അവരുടെ നാടൻ ഭക്ഷണം വിൽക്കുന്ന സഞ്ചരിക്കുന്ന 'മെക്സിക്കൻ ഭോജനശാലയാണ്' എന്ന്.  ഇവിടുത്തെ മെക്സിക്കൻ  ഹോട്ടലുകളിൽതന്നെ  ഭക്ഷണത്തിനു സാമാന്യം നല്ല വിലയാണ് - മറ്റു ഹോട്ടലുകളിലെ വില നിലവാരം പറയുകയും വേണ്ട !  

ട്രക്കിനെക്കണ്ട മെക്സിക്കോക്കാർ ജോലി നിർത്തി ട്രക്കിനുചുറ്റും കൂടി.  അവർ ഈ ട്രക്ക് കൊണ്ടുവന്ന മെക്സിക്കൻ പെൺകുട്ടികളോട് എന്തെല്ലാമോ കുശലപ്രശ്നങ്ങൾ നടത്തികൊണ്ടു  ട്രക്കിൽ വച്ചിരിക്കുന്ന പേപ്പർ തട്ടുകളിൽ നിന്നും ഒന്നെടുക്കുന്നു, ഈ തട്ടിലേക്ക് ആ പെൺകുട്ടികൾ എന്തെല്ലാമോ ഭക്ഷണങ്ങൾ വെച്ചുകൊടുക്കുന്നു, തുടർന്ന് ജോലിക്കാർ തന്നെ നിരയായി വെച്ചിരിക്കുന്ന പല നിറത്തിലുള്ള സാസ് കുപ്പികളിൽനിന്നും  സാസുകൾ അവരുടെ തട്ടിലുള്ള ഭക്ഷണത്തിന്റെ മുകളിൽ വട്ടത്തിൽ ഒഴിക്കുന്നു എന്നിട്ടു ഈ തട്ടുകളും കയ്യിൽത്താങ്ങി പണിസ്ഥലത്തേക്കു മടങ്ങുന്നു.   

ആ പാവം  മെക്സിക്കൻ പണിക്കാരുടെ മുഖത്തെ സന്തോഷം ഒന്ന് കാണേണ്ടത് തന്നെആയിരുന്നു!   ഇതൊരു കൊറോണക്കാലമല്ലായിരുന്നെങ്കിൽ തീർച്ചയായും ഞാനും ഈ സഞ്ചരിക്കുന്ന മെക്സിക്കൻ ഹോട്ടലിൽ നിന്നും എന്തെങ്കിലും വാങ്ങി രുചിച്ചുകൊണ്ട്  ആ മെക്സിക്കോക്കാരുടെ സന്തോഷത്തിൽ പങ്കു ചേർന്നേനെ!  

എല്ലാ മെക്സിക്കോക്കാരും പണിസ്ഥലത്തിലേക്കു പോയതിനു ശേഷം അതിലൊരു മെക്സിക്കൻ പെൺകുട്ടി  അവരുടെ സഞ്ചരിക്കുന്ന ഹോട്ടലിന്റെ തട്ടുകൾ കടലാസുപയോഗിച്ചു വൃത്തിയായി തുടച്ചു,  ആ തുടച്ച കടലാസെല്ലാം ഈ ട്രക്കിന്റെ ഒരു വശത്തുള്ള ഒരു അടപ്പു തുറന്നു ഒരു പൊത്തിൽ നിക്ഷേപിച്ചു.  ഈ ഘട്ടത്തിൽ, ആ സുന്ദരി മെക്സിക്കൻ പെൺകുട്ടി ഞാൻ അവളുടെ പ്രവർത്തി  നിരീക്ഷിക്കുന്നത്  മനസ്സിലാക്കി.   അവൾ എന്നെ നോക്കി ഒന്ന് സുന്ദരമായി മന്ദഹസിച്ചു.   ഞാൻ എന്റെ പേരുവിരൽ മന്ദഹസിച്ചുകൊണ്ടു ഉയർത്തിക്കാണിച്ചു  എന്റെ അഭിനന്ദനം അവളെ അറിയിച്ചു. അത്  അവളെ വളരെയധികം സന്തോഷിപ്പിച്ചെന്നു അവളുടെ പെട്ടെന്നുള്ള ചിരിയിൽനിന്നും വ്യക്തമായി.       

ഈ കാഴ്ച കണ്ടു നിന്നപ്പോൾ എന്റെ മനസ്സ് ഒരു നാൽപതു കൊല്ലം പിന്നിലേക്ക് സഞ്ചരിച്ചു.   അന്ന് എനിക്ക് നെല്കൃഷിയുണ്ടായിരുന്നു.   നടിയൽ, കൊയ്തു തുടങ്ങിയ പണികൾ രാവിലെ മുതൽ വൈകുന്നേരം വരെയുണ്ടാവും.   ഇത്തരം വേളകളിൽ രാവിലെ പതിനൊന്നു പന്ത്രണ്ടു മണി സമയത്തും , അതേപോലെതന്നെ  വെകുന്നേരം മൂന്ന് നാല് മണി സമയത്തും  സ്ത്രീകൾ വലിയ കോട്ടകളിൽ പലതരം ഭക്ഷണങ്ങൾ വിൽപ്പനക്കായികൊണ്ടുവരും. ഈ ഭക്ഷണം കൊണ്ടുവരുന്ന സ്ത്രീകളെ വളരെ ദൂരത്തുവച്ചു തന്നെ കാണുന്ന  മാത്രയിൽതന്നെ  വയലുകളിൽ പലഭാഗത്തായി ജോലി ചെയ്തു കൊണ്ടിരിക്കുന്ന പുരുഷന്മാരും സ്‌ത്രീകളുമായ കൃഷി  തൊഴിലാളികൾ ഇവർക്ക്  ചുറ്റും കുടും.  പലഹാരങ്ങൾ വാങ്ങി ഭക്ഷിക്കലും, നാട്ടുവർത്തമാനവും എല്ലാം അവിടെ നടക്കും.  ഇവർ ഇതുകൂടാതെ ചെറിയ തർക്കങ്ങളും  ഇടക്ക് നടക്കും - അതായതു ചില പറ്റുകാരുടെ കണക്കുകളെക്കുറിച്ചുള്ള സംസാരങ്ങളാണവ.   അപൂർവം സന്ദർഭങ്ങളിൽ പറ്റു കണക്കിനെച്ചൊല്ലി വാക്തർക്കങ്ങളും നടക്കാറുണ്ടായിരുന്നു! 

പാട വരമ്പുകളിൽ വിൽപ്പനക്ക് കൊണ്ടുവന്നിരുന്ന പലഹാരങ്ങളെപ്പറ്റിയാണ് ഇനിപ്പറയുവാനുള്ളത്.   ധാരാളം  സന്നർഭങ്ങളിൽ ഈ വയൽ വരമ്പിലെ വില്പനക്കാരികളിൽ നിന്നും ചിരട്ടപ്പുട്ട്, നുൽപ്പുട്ട്, ഊത്തപ്പം എന്നിവ ഞാൻ വാങ്ങി കഴിച്ചിട്ടുണ്ട്.   ഇത്രയും രുചികരമായ ഭക്ഷണം ഏറ്റവും മുന്ത്യതരം ഹോട്ടലുകളിൽ നിന്ന് പോലും ഞാൻ ഇതുവരെ കഴിച്ചിട്ടില്ല!

ഇപ്പോൾ എന്നെ അദ്‌ഭുതപ്പെത്തുന്നത് ഇപ്പോഴത്തെ ഈ കാഴ്ചയില്നിന്നും ഞാൻ മനസ്സിലാക്കിയ ഒരു ലോകസത്യമാണ്.   അതായതു, ലോകത്തെല്ലായിടത്തും - അല്പസ്വല്പം വ്യത്യാസങ്ങളുണ്ടായിരിക്കുമെങ്കിലും- സാധാരണക്കാരന്റെ, മുഖ്യധാരാ 'വെള്ളക്കോളർ' ധാരി നിസ്സാരനെന്നു കണക്കാക്കുന്നവൻറെ ജീവിത രീതികൾ ഒന്നുതന്നെയ്യാണ്!   

Visiting my daughter and son-in-law

My daughter was married and moved to the US while I and my wife were still working in the Maldives.  Whenever they asked us to visit them we dutifully said “How could it be managed? We get 40 days annual leave and when we come home there are many  works are to be attended.   Worse, every year we return without having been able to complete many!”.

But finally, when we returned home and shed our NRI statuses (The people- especially bankers started smiling at me with a sneer differently from the broad welcoming smile they used to present me earlier!- our daughter’s and son-in-law’s invitation became irresistible.

I never knew that getting a US visa  would be this much harrowing and tormenting.  We lost our  peace of mind from day one when I started filling the visa application form.    I  checked the online application forms and learned about the supporting documents for them to consider  our visa  application I felt that it would never get through , if I applied!     My daughter and son in law said that they would manage all the visa application filing with the US embassy in Channai and we just needed to get our photographs ready, prepare for the great interview at the consulate, go to the consulate –not even late by a single minute!- attend the interview and come out victorious  flashing  the US visas stamped on our passports. 

My son in law said that he could send the visa applications direct to the US consulate  and send me  the ‘sponsor’s documents’ to be taken dutifully to the consulate at the time of the interview.   He said that once the application was filed the ‘interview call letter’ would be e mailed direct to us by the consulate.  I was so glad that a  great burden was removed from my shoulder!

Then onwards, I started visiting the consulates’ sight and some others which guided you on how to apply for the US visa, how to appear for the interview, questions that might be asked during the interview, how to answer those questions and so forth.   What I liked more was the instructional video of a ‘match stick person’ attending the interview!

I made hard copies of all these web pages , categorized them ( some of them I have already mentioned somewhere) and spiral bound them for  reference and rehearsal.   The ‘match stick person’s’ interview had been transferred to a CD  and played many times  for making us ‘mentally and physically prepared’ for the final interview.  

While the visa applications were being readied by my son in law, my  daughter started calling us over the phone persuading, threatening and sometimes  begging us to prepare thoroughly for the interview.

She  described the interview as one of the most testing interviews in which the interviewer would just drill into your mind with his eyes  and would find how genuine your answers were!

“ I think you are exaggerating. He may try to find out how truthful my answers are.  I don’t think he would be able to read my mind and what I indented to say originally.  He possibly can’t be that good at mind reading.”

“That they may not be able to I agree but by watching your face while you answer their question they will be able to know whether you are lying, or hiding the truth from them.” She was not ready to budge.

“So do you think that there is chance for the interviewer to suspect that I am a terrorist if my answers happen to be vague?” I was worried.

“They need not always. But there were occasions when applications were tuned down.   It is the interviewer’s decision to turn down any application and it cannot be questioned even by the courts in India.”  She reminded me.  She did a lot of research and prepared a long list of questions with answers and e-mailed the eleven pages to me.   She insisted that the answers must be exactly the same as given by her.  She reminded me of some of the  teachers who would give the answers and demand the pupils to answer them in the same way as given by him/her.  Example:

 “ He opened the door and slowly entered the house.  It was dark and there was no one inside.” Correct answer.

 ‘Opening the door he slowly entered the house.   It was dark inside and it was vacant.” Wrong answer.

She gave us three days to study them and said she would ask questions from it in the morning and evening till the date of the interview!   She started grilling us as she said so many a time pretending  to have  some work outside I escaped her grilling.   I think she guessed my ploy and deliberately detained me longer times when she caught hold of me on line.  She would ask:

“Why do you plan to visit the US?”

“My daughter and son in law are there”

“That is not the right answer.  Check my answer. It says “ I am interested in visiting places. Further my daughter and son in law are there.” Please don’t change the answers.”

“How many days do you plan to stay in the US?”

“ Six months.”

“ No. One hundred and eighty days.”

“Both mean the same!”

“But you better say as I have given on the answer sheet.   Appa, you are terribly clumsy and a slow learner.   But amma is okay and she has memorized all the answers I have sent.”

I felt she had taken sides with her mom to project that they were always right and I was always wrong.

One day I found the interview mail from the Us embassy Chennai in my in box.   Along with it was a page containing the instruction on when to attend, where to attend and how to attend plus other diplomatic instructions. 

When I informed my wife about it, she was overjoyed to hear the news and said, “ Now we have to start the second step. I am well prepared to attend the interview but sadly you are not. Can’t you at least start collecting the documents required by the consulate?” She always finds pleasure in accusing me of taking things very lightly.

  “I haven’t applied for a posting in the consulate but only for a visa.  They only would wish to check if I would only be a short time visitor and would never become an asylum seeker.” I replied.

Now the war cry had been made and I had to start cleaning my rifle!   All those days I had done nothing other than rarely turning the pages of  the booklets prepared by me and the ‘question and answer’ sheets sent by my daughter.   My wife was tired of  making  me a bit more serious about the great ‘interview’.   In the end I told her:

“I find it extremely difficult to remember the dates and numbers with decimals.   I myself have interviewed many in my career and know how to answer questions during an interview.”

“What will happen if you fail to answer the interviewer’s questions?”

“Why do you all exaggerate this consular interview as if it was going to decide my whole fate? He can’t sentence me for imprisonment. At the worst he could deny me the visa and nothing more than that.”

“You are right.   Anyway, I may get through but I am afraid that you will to feel sorry in the end.”

“If my visa is denied, there is absolutely no problem you can go to the US yourself.   Look, US visa has been denied to many great people not because they were terrorists but it was due to the clash of ideologies.   Anyway, I don’t think I need to have  an ideological clash with an embassy person.”

Apart from the thick list of questions and answers sent to me by mu daughter, my wife received a mail from her friend with some more probable questions and answers that might asked during the consular interview. Some of them were like this like this:

Q. “Do you think that in 29 years time India will become economically and militarily powerful than the US?”

A. “I don’ know.” (Your answers should not offend the prestige of any person or country! If you say ‘NO’ the interviewer will conclude that you are not patriotic –sometimes even as a traitor- and might feel that it would be dangerous to let such a person of suspicious character into their country! )

Q. What is the percentage the people in the US who do not have family health insurance?

A. 36.8978654323% (!)

Q. “Which country contributed the Statue of liberty to the US?

A. “France”.

The list ran to some four pages of question covering the geography, demography and history of the US.   I stopped reading , folded the sheets and handed them over to my wife saying “ These questions are likely to be asked when one goes for a citizenship awarding  interview.  As you don’t have a Green card, I don’t think you don’t need to worry about these kinds of questions.” I was sure my explanation didn’t convince her.  She went on memorizing them as well.

I browsed the web and found that I needed to keep ready fifteen documents for me twelve documents for my wife ready at the time of the interview other than the ‘sponsor’s document’ which had already been sent through courier to me.

I needed more than a week to ready the three sets of documents-  three big ‘flip in’ files were made ready.

During this time my uncle-mother’s younger brother- visiting us.   His daughter and son in law are settled in the US and he visits them once in two years.   He and his wife are considered to be well aware of the travel procedures to the US by all the members of our family.

I told him (by mistake!)  that I was going to attend an interview for visa at the US consulate.  The moment he heard it, he started doling out advises and instructions.

“There are three main aspects you need to concentrate on while attending the interview’ Do you know them?”

“No, I don’t”.  I humbly replied.

“1. Your appearance. 2. Your physical and mental preparation. 3. Your English”. He calmly started his instructions.

“Uncle, can you please explain further”. I showed my ignorance.

“ 1. Your appearance: You must be dressed formally. Remember to wear light coloured or striped shirts and light coloured  trousers. 2. Your physical and mental preparation:  a)The interviewer may ask you to produce ‘original’ certificates with regard to your  qualification, service, conduct, earnings, property … “ (the certificate list was exhaustive.) b) Answer only to what is asked and while answering be truthful and look confident  as the interviewer will be able to read your mind. (I wondered how my daughter and my uncle thought alike!)   3. Your English: Try to use American English.”

“I am not good at American English.   Further you know that I was a Cambridge English teacher in the Maldives and the I had to interact  with many visiting personalities form American universities and none of them found anything wrong with my English!” I pleaded.

“Remember those were just conversations different from interviews”. My uncle sounded serious.

“ I too have conducted some interviews to select teachers and I have never found that the interviewee’s English had nothing to do with their efficiency”.   But my uncle was not willing to accept my poor experience.

“I am not ready for an  argument with you.  Do you want to get through the interview or not?” he sounded insulted!

“Oh. Don’t be offended uncle. Please instruct me how I could make my English slightly American”?

“ Good.  There are many American versions for British English words and usages.   Anyway I will try to familiarize you with some words that are commonly used.   So now you are convinced. Okay?.”

“Yes.”

“Start the change from here.  Don’t say ‘yes’ say ‘okay.”

“OKAY, OKAY OKAY”  I repeated as if I were about to open a pirates treasure chest!

“ I always find you answering ‘ that’s good’.   Don’t say that , say ‘COOL’ like “ Is this your new car?! Waah! That’s COOL !!”

“Waah uncle I never thought learning American English would be so easy as eating biscuits”. I was overjoyed.

“Not biscuits –‘COOKIES.’

“Okay. Cool uncle.  British English ‘sucks’ American English is sooo easy as eating cookies and doughnuts”.

“ Uncle, now you look like an American English tutor in a university.”

“This subject + present simple form of the verb to refer to a state of being has become history in the US.   So, you should say “Uncle , now you are looking like an American English tutor in a university.”

‘Old habits die hard…. Anyway I will try.    Uncle, need I say ‘dying here too”?

My uncle should have felt that I was mocking him and he said reproachfully “Instead of trying to ridicule me, you better try to improve your American
English. Okay”?

I got convinced I would never be able to transform my English into American English but assured  my uncle that I would improve my American English  from the web- which I never did!!   My uncle was happy that he had been spared the burden of teaching a nut like me !

GAS (Gear Acquisition Syndrome)

GAS (Gear Acquisition Syndrome)

I wish to share how I got cured of GAS (Gear Acquisition Syndrome).   Have you ever heard of this ailment?   Many camera and photography enthusiasts are affected by this GAS.   They may look      healthy but there will be a big hole in their wallet!

I am not a professional photographer but a hobbyist.   At first I did not know I was affected by the GAS virus but after sometime I found that my camera bag had become too small to hold my lenses and other accessories (bit expensive ones!).  Inside my room there were dust accumulated reflector discs, tripods, soft boxed and diffusers that are usually found in photo studios.  Most of them had not been used for ages!   Then, why did I spend huge sums and bought them?   I was actually suffering from GAS!

I had three DSLRS, two mirror less and two video cameras and plenty of accessories but with a dry bank balance and a very thin wallet!   I sat and thought for a while what might have driven me to that near bankruptcy?  Yes, I got the answer.  Being a hobbyist, I had not earned a single Rupee but had been spending thousands on cameras and  accessories!   Probably, at that time I might be the ‘first stage’ of  the GAS virus attack and I desperately wanted to get cured before the condition worsened to the ‘Third Stage’ – a stage in which in the infected would go bankrupt and more often even ends up ‘homeless’!

I stood up and frantically searched for the entry level  DSLR I bought  and the three  lenses I loved most (all cheap!) and one or two essential accessories and stored them away. The same day itself I posted my advertisement on olx.com for sale of my large collection of accessories.   One by one my camera accessories started disappearing and after three months there was plenty of space in my camera bag and my room appeared spacious! 

Now there is some money in my wallet too.  The sight of this money liberates me from the fear of getting bankrupt!

I am afraid, one cannot get totally cured of the GAS virus.  Some experts say that some of the viruses will remain hidden between the brain cells and whenever you go shopping – esp. to camera stores- they become active and persuade you to buy camera accessories. So, I avoid going to shops that sell cameras or accessories, and if ever I happen to be there accidentally and the GAS viruses become active, I whisper “These camera and accessories manufactures cannot lure me into buying their products. I don’t require any of them.  Further, I have no money to buy them.  I will just enjoy “window shopping.”  Immediately the viruses go hiding!

If you do not believe there is such an infection, please watch the video I have shred to know more about people suffering from it world over. https://www.youtube.com/watch?time_continue=6&v=yOSmR6Be84Y

 

Interviews

Since returning home from the Maldives I have attended a few interviews in various schools after applying for the post of an English teacher. I will serialize them one by one.

It is an academically reputed school in Palakkad. I had been asked to be present in the school library ‘sharp’ by ten in the morning. But I did not know how to be so sharp and enter the library at (sharp) at exactly ten in the morning. Anyway, I decided not to be late and reached the school library by nine in the morning.

The interview was scheduled to be held in the Principal’s room next to the library. The principal’s room had a massive wooden door on which was screwed a blue plastic board on which was written ‘KEEP SILENCE’. The massive door, the writing, and the solemn and pensive peon standing in front of the door reminded me of the ‘Door of Heaven’.

The Heaven’s door keeper frowned at me as if I had broken his meditation when I enquired where the school library was. The door keeper signed me to follow him and led me through long corridors to the library. The door was opened and I was signed to get in and he walked away without responding to my “Thank you.”

Time was eleven and there were some fourteen people present in the library. Sometime later Heaven’s door keeper entered and announced that he was going to call the names of the people to be interviewed. One by one the names were called, the candidates flowed with reverence. In this way a name would be called, the person would follow the Heaven’s door keeper and would vanish!

In the same way, my name was called, I also followed the Heaven’s door keeper but tried to pick a conversation with him.

“It is very hot today” I started.

Heaven’s door keeper stared at me as if I had interrupted a holy sermon.

“Am I not allowed to talk here?” I was bent on breaking his silence.

Heaven’s door keeper shot an icy glance and put his forefinger across his lisps and said “SHHHHHH”.

By this time we had reached the Heaven’s door. The door keeper opened the door reverently and I was nearly pushed in who at this time was also was keenly studying the Heaven’s door keeper.

The ‘Heaven’ was brightly painted with a few bureaus (also massive) blocking the full view of the walls, with some enlarged photographs of the school events held during various years. In almost all the photographs was the principal giving shake hands to some dignitaries, awarding trophies or just sitting doing nothing.

There was still another massive wooden oval table presided by the Principal and two men andwomen were sitting in front of the principal. I was shown a chair by the oval edge of the table. I trundled it out, sat on it and smiled at the interviewers. (violation no.1)

“Good morning” I sounded polite.

“Yes shall we start the interview” They voiced in unison.

I was asked my name, qualification, experience etc. (may be to check my memory power!) and it was announced that I was going to be asked some questions to test my grammar knowledge. Before I could express any of my views on the necessity of learning grammar, questions were shot at me from different angles like:

“Change the sentence: “I was eating a banana” to past perfect continuous, Change the following second conditional sentence “If a lion came here, I would run away” to first conditional sentence, use a sentence of your own in the present to mean the future, and some more sentences about subordinate clauses, participles, gerunds and so on … I couldn’t answer some of their ‘grammar test questions’ and they were not definitely pleased.

“Excuse me sirs. In what way my knowledge of grammar will help you assess my teaching ability? ” I asked innocently (violation no.2) and continued “Here are copies of my articles published in various newspapers and magazines. I hope you will have time just to glance through them.”

A person with a reading glass perched dangerously over his nose looked at me sharply over the glasses and said:

“We don’t have time to glance through your writings now. If you leave them with us, perhaps we could go through them - seriously. Now to come to the point, I am of the view that grammar is the most important aspect of every language. Your knowledge of grammar decides your proficiency in a language – especially English”.

Instead of passively smiling I said rather assertively:

“I am sorry. I don’t agree with you. Knowledge of grammar has got nothing to do with ones’ command over the language. (violation no.3) Teaching of grammar as if it was a ‘serious subject’ is an old practice”.

“Then do you mean that grammar needn’t be taught?’

“No absolutely not. I only mean that teaching the pupils the four skills to read, speak, listen and write –practical learning - is more important and useful than teaching grammar most of the time which is highly boring and going to be of not much use to the learners. Modern schools ‘instruct’ grammar to the pupils in the functional form. When we say “The bus had left the stop before I could reach the stop” we don’t first think that past perfect tense is the correct tense to be used here and then frame the sentence; the tense and sentence come automatically. I made a short lecture. ( violation -no.4)

“I am sorry. I can’t agree with you. Your views are the modern radical views imported from the West which we don’t like to risk experimenting here.”

“It is a pity that a method that has been found practically successful in many countries should appear ‘radical’ to you. I hope there is no harm in going for a change if it will bring good results” (Repeated violation-no 4)

“Our system of learning English is the best in the world. As grammar is not taught in the UK as seriously as in India, there are a few writers there who can use the correct grammar. The writings of the present British writers are full of grammar mistakes. The person said this aloud and looked around at his colleagues for their approval.

Every one smiled knowingly and nodded.

“Alas! I again have to disagree with you! Do you mean that people like the great travel writer William Dalrymple, ‘The Hindu’ columnist Bill Kirkman and novelist Rupert Thompson have trouble with grammar! I am sorry to say that you seem to have forgotten the essential fact that English is their mother tongue”.

The interviewer had no answer. (repeated violation no.4)

“Sir, I am sure your mother tongue is Malayalam”.

He nodded.

“I am sure you can understand, speak, read, and write Malayalm.”

He again nodded firmly.

“Did you learn Malayalam grammar to acquire all these skills?

“No.”

“Then don’t you feel that one doesn’t necessarily need to learn English grammar to become communicative in that language” (violation no.5).

It was the end. The examiners exchanged glances and two of them discussed something in hushed voice and one of them announced:

“Well. No more questions. The interview is over. We will let you know our decision soon”.

I also vanished from there, and haven’t been informed of their decision even after two years!!!

¹I had earlier been informed of certain etiquettes to be observed while attending an interview in India by a senior person in the government service.

1. Don’t trundle the chair you might be asked to sit on. Let it be where it is. Squeeze into the little space between the table and the chair and then sit on it.! This action represents your civility (or servitude?) and obedience!

2. Don’t ask questions. Only answer. Be ingratiating!

3. The interviewers don’t want hear your views. Be short while answering them

4. Don’t ever corner an interviewer! If you do, you will be thrown out!

5. Accept the interviewer’s views. You must allow him/her to re- invent the wheel! Let them play smarter!